[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on

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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”


Don’t force funny huh?

Well, I have funny tied to a chair in my basement and…unless we become fast friends…

…he’s losing a knee cap.


I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.


Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.


This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women’s bathroom.


Pretty sure Google has this master plan of taking over the world by blackmailing everyone with their search history.


Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.


Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that’s not a good tweet but I’m getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.