@adultblackmale

[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on

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@MyPornKhan

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

@1CleverGirl1

Don’t force funny huh?

Well, I have funny tied to a chair in my basement and…unless we become fast friends…

…he’s losing a knee cap.

@DowntimeDad

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

@DanDoofus

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

@Crunk_Jews

This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women’s bathroom.

@_Fariis

Pretty sure Google has this master plan of taking over the world by blackmailing everyone with their search history.

@twylaredsun

Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.

@Brianhopecomedy

Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that’s not a good tweet but I’m getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.