Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?