I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
You Might Also Like
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Every work call, he judges.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Gave my address to a man on Facebook who said he sells & delivers eggs for $4 a dozen if I get murderrred please put this detail in my obituary
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
my client this morning asked if i was sleepy because i have “tired face”
and now i have “sad face”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.