Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

seriously you guys

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!