Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout