Damn what did I do next
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“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
How dramatic are you?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.