Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

accurate

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
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Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance