I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
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Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.