Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!