Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

love it when they get my name right

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude