Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Britain be like

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.