i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
You Might Also Like
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast