I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
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Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions