Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work