Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

what do you want

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
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*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.