I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”