Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

I love the honesty

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.