Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth