Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to