I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
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My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Breaking news:
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
and now we wait
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
