Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

Look at this

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.