Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun