I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
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A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind