Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

my dad when a sex scene comes on

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”