Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.