Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

Creepy-crawlies

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

They got a point!

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known