I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
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“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
He’s cranky this morning
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Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
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I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.