Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

I’m giving up for Lent.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?