I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
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9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Taliband
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*