I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.

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Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons


judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”


If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”


what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.


Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.


The problem with seducing someone via text, is you sometimes end up wrapping your warm moth, or mother around his troubling clock


Me: [in bathroom]

7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?

Me: Yeah pal

7: IT’S ME

Me: I know


Me: Knew that too


Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”


“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.