I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.
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A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Interviewer: Where did you receive your education?
Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate?
Me: I yust got out in Yuly
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.