@Vodkantots

I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.

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@ConanOBrien

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

@OneThirstyNaut

Interviewer: Where did you receive your education?

Me: Yale

Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate?

Me: I yust got out in Yuly

@HousewifeOfHell

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

@Love_bug1016

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

@realfunghi

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

@krisv_723

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.