Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
You Might Also Like
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
me making someone eat a chip with my mind