@Vodkantots

I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.

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@EndhooS

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

@KeetPotato

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

@funnybeachgirl

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

@iamburtjarvis

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

@CantWaitToNap

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

@Lexactly

The problem with seducing someone via text, is you sometimes end up wrapping your warm moth, or mother around his troubling clock

@ValeeGrrl

Me: [in bathroom]

7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?

Me: Yeah pal

7: IT’S ME

Me: I know

7: YOUR SON

Me: Knew that too

@Faux_Ma

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

@crazytraci72

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.