I wanna be friends with this person
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Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
The funk soul brother
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?