Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

*seductively eats two tums*

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

Whoa 😂

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.