I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
You Might Also Like
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad