I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
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[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?
Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?
Manager:
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”