I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
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Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
worst…sale…ever
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Bless you
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO