I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
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Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.