I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!