@Pirate_nurse

I wanna be the reason you’re comfortable with your prostate examination

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@tehaveragejoel

things I’m passionate about: The Rule of Threes, self referential humor, and the Oxford comma.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

@FunkyFresh_79

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

@birbigs

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

@Death_Buddy

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

@jwoodham

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

@YoungNobler

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

@TheSharona06

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

@Ygrene

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@ThugRaccoons

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.