Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
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If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
they finally got him. they got macavity
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.