Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.