Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

shit just got real

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

bad
worse
worst
worchester

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??