i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
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[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me