i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
#math
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Feels
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.