i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
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As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.