Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

Me when someone tries to get to know me

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS