I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
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me and my fake scenarios
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
me, after any kind of buffet.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??