Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

Travel bloggers during quarantine

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

i could never be president. im overqualified.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

middle school in the ’90s

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

Noah was an idiot.

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses