Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?