Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

“Wanna feel old..?”

No. Next question.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.