I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
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a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.