I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.