Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]