Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.