Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

My wife has the worst taste in men.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.