Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

This is enough internet for the day.