Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

I saw nothing

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂