*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
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She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon