I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.
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“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I’m already here…..
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Riley can be a little girl’s name, it’s not always a dog’s name. If someone says Riley’s been sick don’t bring up euthanasia right away.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”