“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
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I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
so i’m at the stock market right
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet