“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
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Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Hang in there buddy
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
plums roundup
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
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Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty