[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭