I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
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*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.