Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.