I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
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Waiting for the Charmin
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Bring back the McRib
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
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