I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
![]()
You Might Also Like
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
![]()
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
![]()
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
![]()
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!