I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
You Might Also Like
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”