Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

Toxic snake

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

Geez man, take it easy.