I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
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Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
You can’t rush stupid.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.