I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
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[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Happy weekend !
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.