I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
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Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Me trying to reach for my goals
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited